Melt Down Here

Giving up my independence is hard. It sucks. I can't do anything without help. Unless it's using the remote control from my chair. 

I have become what I haven't wanted to become, unfun. Irritated. Sad. All the depressing words. The happy, smile no matter what the situation for there is hope to be had is broken down right now. 

Instead of feeling grateful for the drain tubes helping me not swell up I despise them. I carry them in a pouch in front of me. The swishing of fluid can be heard as I now shuffle as losing the ability to use my feet takes over.  They are numb. Standing and going to work helped me with this battle. Now, since the surgery, I don't stand as much or walk hardly at all....losing my ability to lift my feet to walk. 

I am whiny. I can't seem to come out of this mild depression that has set in. The hot/cold flashes aren't helping either. Chocolate won't fix this. 

Last night I argued with Chris. Ex's have their demands. Children have their needs. Chris and I were left arguing over one particular child. This won't be the last time we argue this child. We argue often about this one child. I am not sure what kind of resolution there is.  

Then First thing this morning, complete crying meltdown over the fact that I needed help getting food. I didn't want to have to ask. I hate asking for help. Dang, it! Now I am being Humbled. 

Now this afternoon. I am still feeling the same way. Negativity festering here. Not sure I have the strength to battle right now. giving in to it....tired. Medication. Sleep. No more thinking. 

Medicine, Food, and Deep Sleep. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Maybe I can find the boxing gloves to put on and fight the fight.