Decisions Weighing on Me

Well, tomorrow I get to meet with a new Doctor. Radiation is his specialty. We will be talking about my need for radiation. My tumor in my right breast was 4.8 cm. Anytime a patient has a tumor that is 5 cm they have radiation. Since mine is close to 5 then there is thought that I should go ahead and have radiation. Not loving the idea.

Was really grateful to have a fun package arrive on Monday evening to distract me from my worries. It seems like that happens more and more these days. Just when I need it most a something arrives in the mail from flowers, blankets or other goodies. I am being loved by family and friends from all over.

Now back to tough decisions. I will be praying, pondering and praying some more on this matter before making a decision on whether or not to do radiation. I do believe I still have a choice.

Radiation

Yep, going on Thursday to talk about doing radiation. Had a lovely chat with a friend. Which gave me comfort. But, somehow I am still blue. Feeling blue about the idea of having to do radiation. Still my choice. Not sure what to do. It is still weighing on my mind. 

Other than that my follow up went well. Got exercises finally to start strengthing my arms. I did get permission to start driving again. But, the reality is I don't have enough mobility in my arms to be driving quite yet. AGH!! 

( me sighing) I will embrace the good. Wait to worry or fret over radiation or not after I hear the Dr. out. Until then I will plan Christmas. Daydream, finish up my books that I am reading and watching Blue Bloods.

Daunting No More

The day started off daunting. My first Sunday back to church since the surgery. Clothing simply doesn't fit. I feel weird without my breast still. Awkward. I was teary eyed. Fitting that it was lightly raining at the same time I was trying to figure out what to wear. I went with black. My comfort color. I have always loved wearing black. 

Once at church, I felt comforted by my family sitting all together, the music and the wonderful messages about Christ love. I was reminded that everyone goes to church to be comforted, loved and are accepted by God despite our imperfections. It was a blessing to be back and to have a nice lunch with members of our ward/congregation.

Now, what happened after church when we got home...

All I wanted to do was take a few photos.

Finally!!! A good one of me. 

Setbacks

Yesterday I had a setback in my recovery. I spent all day nauseated and throwing up. So, I called my Dr. office. who wanted to see me right away. I was grateful I didn't have to go to the E.R. I was given something strong to stop the nausea that was causing the throwing up along with IV fluid. The medicine given made me sleep. I slept all night Wednesday and most of today.

Feeling better. Grateful for meds.

Sick Feeling

A week ago today I could hardly wait to get home from the hospital.  Now, I am ready to get out. A small walk will be nice. Not far either.

Today I have felt kind of sick off and on all day.  Nauseated. No nap happened. Did discover Hallmark movies on youtube thanks to a dear friend suggesting them.

Hot/Cold. I am constantly battling hot flashes that time will have me sweating all over. Dripping. Then I finally start to feel cool to the point of feeling cold. Menopause heightened due to chemo and surgery? That's a must ask question when I go on Monday for my follow up. Hopefully, I can get my drains removed. They are itchy. My skin feels dry. ( hot flashing right now)

Tired. 

Morning Of

WOW, today is the day! I will say goodbye to my breast. Actually, I am glad to be saying goodbye. They are trying to kill me. I am ready. Ready to move forward. To be happy. Laugh. The surgery is such a good thing. No reason to be scared or afraid or anything other than excited. I have one of the best Dr's in the country taking off my killer breast. For a short time I will allow myself to heal from all the chemo and cancer filled boobs. In 6 or 7 months I will be ready to start the journey to get my new boobs. Fake! Yep, I am picking a new size. I get to decide how they will look.

Well, I am ready to go! Joy can be found in the journey because I get to decided to have joy or not. I am going to have it. I am going to be grateful that I can have these breast removed. That I am going to beat cancer and live another 75 years. (that's what the oncologist said.)


2 Nephi 2:25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Work

This week is a very exciting week at the school I work at. Fall break is next week. For the kids that means parent/teacher conferences. It's a 4 day school week.

My day went fast. I delighted in getting a chance to watch Greys Anatomy on Netflix. Which is becoming a rare thing these days. We are just busy then tired at the end of the day. 

I am looking forward to a day when I don't swell up so easy. A day when I can come home with a little more energy to ride my bike, work on a piece of furniture for the house and maybe a mural of some sort.

For now I am tiring with all my heart to accept what I can't change. Roll with what the day brings. Pray for a moment to have time with my husband without so many kid things or cancer things. Cancer sucks! Finding the joy in it is hard to do. It has changed me forever more. I have been striped away of all the vain and prideful things I had physically. Now I will be loosing that which defines me as a woman when you look at me, my breast. This is not an easy thing to do. We laugh about it to cover the pain of it. Yes the fake ones are coming. They will have no feeling despite picking my size. No nipples unless I have some tattooed on or have a 3rd surgery to have some created. That's not fun. Then forever more I will walk around....I will be grateful to be alive. This is a hard thing to do. How do I find the joy in it? 

Haunting Fatigue.

Fatigue haunts me every day like a ghost that won't go away. It makes me long to lay in bed sleeping endlessly. It is always there. Even when I wake up after a full 8 hours of sleep. It is a side effect of all the poisonous chemo that has been dripped into my body over the last 16 weeks. It surely has killed cancer because it feels like it's trying to kill me. Waves of nausea waves of tired waves of sadness feel me up. That desire to live is pushing hard through those waves to get back to the shore of living the life of good health that I long for. I take advice from those who have gone through the battle before me and have made it to the shore. I will live life one day at a time, one hour at a time if needed even one minute at a time.


My weekend was filled to the brim with good things. I did something amazing I rode my bike for the first time in months. It was glorious. I loved the feel of the air rushing all around me as I rode on the river trail. Breathing it the beauty that was all around. I wasn't very fast. It was perfect. Sunday was spent refilling my spiritual bucket which is where I draw all my extra strength from. Beautiful talks about hope and faith were given.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 



Now I am off to have a happy day! For I am blessed and gifted with so much goodness. I have an amazing job that I love. So, despite the haunting fatigue, I will push through it to get to the good things that are coming. It will be a day! 

Zaxby's

The first time I noticed the Zaxby's sign was shortly after moving to Arkansas. It's a fine sign. The lettering is perfectly bold. Announcing themselves well. Here we are Zaxby's, come eat here. I drove right on by day after day as I got off the freeway and headed home after work. Never giving a second thought about them. Food allergies had cured me of all curiosity. Until on April 6, 2017, Zaxby's became a part of my story. My cancer story.

As I was driving the long curved off-ramp headed home for lunch.  To spend some time with my husband Chris my phone rang. I answered it. Only to hear the voice of the radiologist. The one who performed my biopsy a few days before on my right breast. He was swift to ask if I was driving. "Yes", I answered." I will pull over so we can talk." He didn't' want to give me the results of my biopsy with me driving.  At that moment the first place to pull over was Zaxby's parking lot. I turned the car off. Waited breathlessly for the news that I knew was coming.  "You have breast cancer, and we will be sending you a packet of information to help you. We have sent your information back to your primary care Dr. His office will set up appointments with a new Dr who treats cancer.' And with, that the conversation was done. I was left to sit there as a numb feeling washed over me. Empty.  A hollow empty feeling quickly engulfed me. Not fair raced through my mind. I have just gotten my second half life. A good life. Here I am alone. Once again Alone while learning my diagnosis. This is fair. Why? Why me? No tears came. I slowly started the car and headed home to share the news with Chris. 

As soon as I stepped inside the door I dumped the news on  Chris.  He gathered me up in his arms and held me tight. He softly told me we were going to fight this. We had this. It was going to be fine. It didn't feel fine. Quickly I decided that I was would go back to work.  Not wanting to wallow in self-pity. I pulled myself together. Work was good for my soul. It took my mind off what was happening. 

As I drove back home after work. I looked at the spot where in the Zaxby's parking lot and wondered for the fist time ever, What type of food do they serve? Later I would discover that it was Fried Chicken, of course. 

(me sighing) Chicken and I don't get along. That's a story for another day. 

Shaved Head

Today I did the brave thing to do after waking up to find my hair all over my pillow, getting all over  Chris and it was annoying me how fast it was falling everywhere.  I called my hair dresser Lakeysha to shave my head. Yes, I cried. Not as much as I thought I would, but enough. We said a sweet prayer together Chris, Lakeysha and I before she got to work shaving my head. It was sweet and beautiful. I felt the hand of God with me. I am blessed. God has placed all the right people in my life that I need for love and support through this journey. It's not easy. I am a tad emotional tonight due to all the wonderful messages that I am receiving on Facebook after bravely posting my photo for the world to see.

Before

After

Got the best surprise ever. Brad was scheduled with his hairdresser to get his hair cut. I looked over and there he was getting his head shaved too. I teared up and had a good cry. He wanted to show me support. I got blessed with a good kid. Thanks, Brad. 

Having some fun! 

And There's a Lump

It was 1986 I was a freshman in high school. The girls were all gathered into a room to have a talk about something called breast cancer. It was awkward. I was awkward. I was still getting to know myself on many levels. Now here we were talking about touching our boobs and checking for lumps. I listened. I read the material given. I was totally weirded out. As I asked friends if they were going to do it. There seemed to be a discomfort. It was easier to talk about dating and those having sex than breast examinations. As I pondered it all I decided to something that would save my life 20 plus years laters. I made it a habit to check my breast in the shower when washing with soap.

Now 2017, It was in the shower doing one of those self-exams that notice something not quite right with my right breast. I start taking notes in my period tracker. Yep, I got a period tracker. My right breast was hurting when I ovulated and then the first 2 days of my period. I noticed that it would become lumpy. Then out of nowhere, a lump was changing. It was tender. Harder to the touch. I got in to see my family Dr. pretty quickly. He sent me for a mammogram.

I went with no expectations other than getting my boob smashed for a few mins. Then I would find out that I have lumpy boobs, like another family member. No big deal. All part of my hormone changes as I start perimenopause. NOPE! NOT THE CASE!

I was ushered after the x-ray to sit and wait in this cute waiting area. There was another woman sitting there. We both sat there with our shields covering our naked boobs while we waited to be seen by the radiologist himself. We made light talk about the changing weather. I was called back to another room. Where I was told I needed to come back for a biopsy the next day. I would be the first biopsy of the morning. There was no mention of cancer. But, in my heart I knew. I was trying to shake it off.

Next morning Chris drove me to have my biopsy. The results would take a few days. I went home to recover. The waiting was hard to do.