Yep, it's the loss of the only beautiful thing I had left on my body. The nail of my big toe fell off today. I have now been completely stripped all the things on my body that I liked or made me feel beautiful.
Give me a minute here as the tears start flowing (hear me sigh deeply) sucking in my breath. Repeating to self....I am beautiful.
God has allowed me to experience cancer to it's fullest. At times I wonder if I am learning the lessons that I need to learn. Although, I at times am not clear on what lessons I am supposed to be learning. Hot Mess Here!
The world has taught me from a young age that things that make a woman who she is are the following, nice shape, perky breast, well dressed, nicely styled hair, manicured fingers, and toes. Well, I picked to always keep my toes painted. I hate shoes. Always have. I love to wear flipflops or go barefoot. It's a Cali girl thing from growing up on a beach or near water or rather spending my summers in the water as much as possible. I loved sunning bathing. When the chemo took my hair, I bravely embraced it. Started buying cute hats. Decided not to get a wig. To muggy hot here in the South. When getting ready for my surgery, to chop off my smallish breast....I cried. Sobbed at how unfair it was. Then joked with my sisters and husband about making way for my new big boobs. That will forever be perky. (not really) One day in the middle of my sobbing I noticed that my toenail was wiggly. AGH! I put a band-aid on it to keep the dogs from licking it. Smelled inviting I guess. Gross, I know! Then I hoped the nail would somehow reattach. Off I went to have my surgery. Well, dang it. That toe didn't take, it didn't reattach as I wanted it to. Which means accepting yet one more thing. That my pretty painted toes are now ugly toes. Along with another nail that wants to fall off. AGH! (breathing slowly)
I don't even want to get started on how important my hair had become since getting a divorce. Even before I left Utah/ then divorced my sister had encouraged me to take a little of my hard earned money to invest into a real experienced stylist. Which I did. I got my hair colored and styled. I kept it that way. Even while growing it out long again I kept it styled nicely. Oh, I said I didn't want to go here and I have. My hair was thick and pretty. Or it made me feel that way. My breast. Well, they were my breast. To lose them along with my hair and toenail. It feels like the end of the world. Can I just stomp my feet now?
Right now I don't feel pretty, beautiful or anything. Yet, when I post my ugliest picture or at least, in my opinion, the ugliest picture on facebook....the comments are full of you are beautiful. Leaving me scratching my head and wondering if everyone is beauty blinded. ( like color blind) Then a friend messaged me recently and as we talked she mention how full of hope I look when I smile. Which makes me appear beautiful. Dang, it here comes the tears again. So, I guess in the end I do still have something left that is beautiful that no one can take away, my smile.
" A smile is to give" Grandma Lolly use to tell me when I felt I had nothing to offer others. She would quote this. Even sent me the cutest little book on smiles. She would smile and blow kisses to us kids when we drove away from her house.
Give me a minute here as the tears start flowing (hear me sigh deeply) sucking in my breath. Repeating to self....I am beautiful.
God has allowed me to experience cancer to it's fullest. At times I wonder if I am learning the lessons that I need to learn. Although, I at times am not clear on what lessons I am supposed to be learning. Hot Mess Here!
The world has taught me from a young age that things that make a woman who she is are the following, nice shape, perky breast, well dressed, nicely styled hair, manicured fingers, and toes. Well, I picked to always keep my toes painted. I hate shoes. Always have. I love to wear flipflops or go barefoot. It's a Cali girl thing from growing up on a beach or near water or rather spending my summers in the water as much as possible. I loved sunning bathing. When the chemo took my hair, I bravely embraced it. Started buying cute hats. Decided not to get a wig. To muggy hot here in the South. When getting ready for my surgery, to chop off my smallish breast....I cried. Sobbed at how unfair it was. Then joked with my sisters and husband about making way for my new big boobs. That will forever be perky. (not really) One day in the middle of my sobbing I noticed that my toenail was wiggly. AGH! I put a band-aid on it to keep the dogs from licking it. Smelled inviting I guess. Gross, I know! Then I hoped the nail would somehow reattach. Off I went to have my surgery. Well, dang it. That toe didn't take, it didn't reattach as I wanted it to. Which means accepting yet one more thing. That my pretty painted toes are now ugly toes. Along with another nail that wants to fall off. AGH! (breathing slowly)
I don't even want to get started on how important my hair had become since getting a divorce. Even before I left Utah/ then divorced my sister had encouraged me to take a little of my hard earned money to invest into a real experienced stylist. Which I did. I got my hair colored and styled. I kept it that way. Even while growing it out long again I kept it styled nicely. Oh, I said I didn't want to go here and I have. My hair was thick and pretty. Or it made me feel that way. My breast. Well, they were my breast. To lose them along with my hair and toenail. It feels like the end of the world. Can I just stomp my feet now?
Right now I don't feel pretty, beautiful or anything. Yet, when I post my ugliest picture or at least, in my opinion, the ugliest picture on facebook....the comments are full of you are beautiful. Leaving me scratching my head and wondering if everyone is beauty blinded. ( like color blind) Then a friend messaged me recently and as we talked she mention how full of hope I look when I smile. Which makes me appear beautiful. Dang, it here comes the tears again. So, I guess in the end I do still have something left that is beautiful that no one can take away, my smile.
" A smile is to give" Grandma Lolly use to tell me when I felt I had nothing to offer others. She would quote this. Even sent me the cutest little book on smiles. She would smile and blow kisses to us kids when we drove away from her house.
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